On Tue, Nov 11, 2008 at 10:53 AM, Laura Tate
MORNING. I want to go back to bed immediately, but will be at work until like 8:00. EW.
Anyway, last night I was scheduled to have drinks with my friend Katie, who is totally awesome. I debuted with her. But for some strange reason, she is friends with Lindsey [redacted] (though I think not best friends or anything, thank goodness). So when Lindsey somehow learned that Katie and I were going to have a drink, she apparently invited herself and Katie informed me of this yesterday, but for some reason I did not make up any excuses. I have been avoiding Lindsey successfully for 1 year, after blocking her from gchat, ignoring her countless Facebook wall posts, and coming close to hiding out in the garbage room in my building's basement until she leaves New York. I even saw her in Williamsburg after Audra moved there, but ducked behind Evan and his parents while whisper-shouting "OH MY GOD! THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON IN THE WORLD IS RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET! THERE! IN THE YELLOW TANK TOP AND AVIATOR SUNGLASSES!"
So I went there and watched them each drink about 6 glasses of wine as Lindsey told the following stories (loudly):
- In my favorite moment of the night, we were talking about babies because Katie's sister just had one. Naturally I would have loved to hear about Katie's nephew, but Lindsey would have none of it. She proceeded to inform us that she doesn't "usually" want kids herself (when she finds someone to impregnate her, I'll die of shock), but she was eating dinner at a restaurant one time and her friend so-and-so told her to turn around because a little girl at the next table looked exactly like a child Lindsey would have. I then listened to Lindsey describe this child in detail (creepy, right?), from the haircut to the clothes. Unfortunately my bar stool had no back, so I really had to keep myself from nodding off and falling to the floor.
- She is against universal health care because she went to a "socialist" doctor in England and came back with bronchitis. I informed her that England/Europe has a longer life expectancy and spends less money per capita on healthcare (thank you V!), so it's safe to say they're not completely incompetent. She then said, "Well, um, I had bronchitis!" I informed her this was an isolated case and probably had nothing to do with the "freaky herbs and drugs" she claimed to have been given. As a side note, I think it would be pretty tough for anyone who went to medical school or has EVER VISITED A DOCTOR'S OFFICE to mess up the treatment for bronchitis. Antibiotics. Plus, Lindsey is clearly too out to lunch to take the full course of treatment.
- At one point she asked me if I "remembered" her boyfriend Dave – I said yes, as in "No, I've never met him, but I have heard you obsess about him PLENTY." (Her mother, in her constant attempts to correct Lindsey/calm her down/restore a sense of dignity to her offspring, frequently reminded me when she was in town last fall that Dave was too old, chubby, and freakishly short.) Lindsey then told me that Dave had the audacity to get married on her 25th birthday (what a JERK! NOT) and then listed all of the 2 boyfriends (and I think 1 imaginary boyfriend) who married the next girl they dated, afterward declaring herself "the girl you date before you marry someone else," noting that they usually went back to whoever they dated right before her. Yeah? No shit. They saw that there really ISN'T anything better out there and the fear of ending up with someone like Lindsey scared them so much that they ran as fast as they could to the altar to protect themselves.
- Then I got to hear about Lindsey's election night. Apparently she wasn't "thrilled" with either of the candidates, meaning that her father told her to vote Republican and she realized they were going to lose, so she declared herself a moderate/centrist to save her own dignity (all 3 teaspoons of it she has left) and pretend she is actually smart enough to understand what either political party represents ("um, I think one raises taxes or something?" I mean, fine, be Republican. I don't care. But if you honestly have no idea what you're talking about, you need to be kept in a cage in Siberia on Election Day). She went out to a lovely dinner with two of her friends and refused to watch the returns, but then ended up on the phone with Holloway Gott for 2 hours while Holloway cried about how her husband, stationed in Afghanistan, will inevitably die due to Obama's election. When I informed Lindsey that Obama's anti-war stance actually means that Tim might come home, she switched gears and then told me that poor Holloway doesn't know any better. Another example of what happens when Lindsey talks to someone smarter than she is – she buckles under pressure and pretends her idiocy is actually someone else's view she was just innocently relating.
- At another point when I asked Katie about her new nephew (whose name is Winfield, which I think is totally WASPy and awesome, not to mention that Katie's sister is awesome and I REALLY wanted to hear about the new baby), Lindsey insisted that it was more important to hear about her friend Ginsey's (sp? Not sure, because it's some sort of invented Marietta nickname for Virginia) baby, even though a) I have never met Ginsey, b) Ginsey accidentally got pregnant and had a baby in college and is now living with her parents, making her situation something you don't happily mention over wine with the girls, and c) Oh – yeah – I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I then looked at pictures of Ginsey's baby on Lindsey's iPhone and saw that Caitlin called her about 6 times during this conversation.
- When I identified her jacket as Paul & Joe for Target, I then had the privilege of enduring a rundown of where she purchased every piece of clothing, jewelry, and piece of lint she was wearing. Her sweater was "Abercrombie from 6th grade," which is just so hilariously cheap with a Ralph Lauren skirt, her barf-colored Paul & Joe jacket, her Tory Burch ballet flats and the costume jewelry that she sports like a 6 year old playing dress-up in her mother's closet. Just to piss her off, when she concluded by saying "Look at me, really mixing high and low fashion," I made a quip about Michelle Obama's penchant for H&M and J. Crew. She politely laughed, making it abundantly clear she had no idea what the heck I was talking about. As usual.
- Yes, we have a lot of election-laced stuff in here; I was merely trying to crush everything she said with my relative wealth of knowledge about politics and current events. It was incredibly obnoxious and satisfying. But I think this gem will lead you to understand why I acted this way: you see, Lindsey's father is a lawyer in Atlanta, and when she voted absentee this year she called him for his counsel on which judges to vote for, as they are not listed by party. And do you know what is SO fucking funny?!?! Her dad knew ALL of them! Like, she would be looking at one and read it to him and he'd say "He was my pledge brother" or "I worked with him right out of law school" or "he was my best man" or "why yes, that's the man I call every night before I go to sleep." She kept emphasizing that she was making informed votes, as "these are people MY DAD works with on a daily basis and knows REALLY WELL." Wow, what intimate connections he has with all of Atlanta's great and powerful judges, who are practically famous for holding the least glamorous elected offices in a badly-run Southern state capital. As another daughter of an Atlanta attorney, I actually know just how unremarkable it is for lawyers and judges to know each other since, you know, THEY ARE IN THE SAME PROFESSION. The ultimate name-dropping, Lindsey – not only do you not know these people yourself, but no one cares about them – AT ALL.
Did I mention I ran out so fast I forgot to leave money for the 1 glass of wine I drank? Yeah, incredibly rude, ridiculously inconsiderate, not like me at all. But for God's sake, CAN ANYONE BLAME ME?????
Love,
Lulu
