...like 'yourself' is something definite--like a toaster...

been thinkin some about how/why i get resentful when i determine that someone thinks they're better than me.

notice how i'm presenting this down from my perspective...because it is just that--MINE. not theirs, and often false.

so much of my life i have spent feeling 'less than' others and/or 'not good enough' (don't ask me why i'm putting these in quotes, it just feels right, who cares, it's a friggin blog). oh, which brings me to my point, actually, which is WHO CARES?!

i mean i know that's easier said than done when it comes to feeling judged by others. also, life actually is heathers/mean girls/gossip girl ad infinitum. but the thing is, a lot of times when i've wanted to impress someone and win their approval, i really hold back. i deny them of the full-on balls-to-the-wall jmarx and leave 'em with a more boring, watered down version.

and then--since i (like most of us) have suffered from plenty of self-doubt, self-loathing, self-involvement...all of the selves--when i make up that the person in question isn't so won over by my efforts i fall apart, feel rejected, hate myself and am ultimately super-duper resentful.

meanwhile, i'm hating someone for supposedly not accepting me when i didn't even present him or her with the actual me to begin with--make sense? and i know i'm at my absolute best when i'm just being me.

so thank you: after-school special/mom/full house, etc. you said, "just be yourself," and you were right. you may have left out the go-fuck-yourself part, but it's not spinal surgery.

so yeah. it's jmarx, bitch. i am for reals and i could give a shit what you think...or am at least working on that.

whatevs. a. chase's introspectiveness is much more to the point/interesting: